This will be where I provide updates on my reasons for writing this blog.
Sunday 26th February 2017
I am humbly grateful that this blog is receiving likes and followers – thank you so much for your support. I have not personally shared this blog with my Facebook friends and family yet because I wanted to get the blog running with enough posts to demonstrate the bigger ideas that I cannot utilise in academia. In fact, beyond my closest people, no one else knows I went back to university. I suppose after the failures of the last few years, I wanted to achieve something first then announce it, rather than announce I am going to do something then end up not being able to.
My latest post Superheroes and Society was harder to write and finalise than I had anticipated. Perhaps it is a relatively new interest and I do not yet have enough knowledge to write with confidence. I assumed that because it is one of my strong interests, the ideas would flow as naturally as my other posts but maybe this will come with time as it is a relatively new interest.
My previous posts that focused my thoughts on Research and the Dichotomy of Normality served as an outpouring of frustrated thoughts that I had not had a chance to articulate – at least in this form. Sometimes I feel as though I could argue the points until I am blue in the face and it would not make the slightest difference in this Post-Truth era. Despite that negativity, I do insist on continuing for no other reason than to give up is to accept defeat. I will not let ‘alternative facts’ win.
There is so much more I want to write about; time, existence, purpose, destiny, and exotic science are just a few possibilities. Politics, spirituality, and behavioural issues are going to be the next topics I discuss – maybe not all at once as each has an almost limitless debate to sort through.
When I write, I am literally just typing my thoughts as they flow – a tactic I learnt through over a decade of keeping private diaries and using this silent expression of thought to order my thoughts and battle my way through the turmoil of emotions. Logic is not perfect but at least sentences have structure.
I have noticed that shortly after posting I will always come across another blog or a news article that discusses the topic I had focused on. Sometimes they are posted before I post mine but I always seem to read them afterwards. This was how I came to understand philosophy in my first year of university. I do not have to read a particular text to learn an idea if it describes something that I could possibly experience prior to knowledge of that particular piece of writing.
The ideas are what is important not who wrote them. It is important to give credit for ideas where they are due but this does not mean that the person credited with the discovery owns the ideas – Ideas are meant for everyone.
Sunday 1st October 2017
A lot has happened since the last post almost five months ago.
It has been a week since I handed in the final project for university – it has been an emotional few weeks since I had completed the report. Writing a PhD funding proposal only reinforced by drive and passion to complete this journey that started a decade ago. I would describe it as a love letter to the university that is a plead for neurodiverse recognition. I truly believe in this project – and that is what worries me.
When I first graduated in 2012, I attempted to secure funding for the Masters. After I sent the fifth funding application I gave up in despair. When the access to the academic journals was suspended, I was heartbroken. It was with great reluctance that I started full-time work for near minimum wage in 2013 with no idea how or when I would return to complete what I started. Redundancy in 2015 and a year of insecure employment eventually led to an extreme burnout that lasted almost an entire year; eventually leading to clinical diagnosis for Autism Spectrum Disorder last year.
I had noted in one of the earlier posts that finding employment is one of my greatest challenges of this year. That was due to being out of employment for the longest since I started work 14 years ago. Despite full-time attendance at university, in the last 12 months, I have had four temporary part-time jobs. I have managed to balance work and university, with my obsession with A Court of Thornes and Roses (YA novel I discovered two weeks before an assignment was due) and Shingeki no Bahamut (Anime). The soundtrack for the anime was stuck in my head for 4 weeks and was my gateway into Japanese rock music. It’s been a ride.
The assignments for Semester 2 were due in May. For one I attempted to flesh out my ultimate plan for the final project. I was slightly disappointed with the result because I felt like it was the most important assignment I had ever created. I truly enjoyed the one pertaining to popular culture as I was able to relate it to comics. The third assignment was the most challenging yet the most rewarding.
I rediscovered a project I found back in 2012 when I was studying Philosophy of Mind. Had I known how to access the released data, I doubt I would have known what to do with it. This year, not only could I access it – but I had the means to analyse it. I really had a lot of fun. It did well enough to firmly secure a distinction for the module.
Now as I wait in anticipation for the final result, I have turned my attention to the temporary role I am currently working until the end of the year. I am working more hours that I have been able in years, yet my energy levels are relatively stable. In fact, I find that I am quite motivated to use my skills to help improve. The problem is that although I may believe I have the best intentions, not everyone will perceive my actions as intended.
The major issue with mindblindness is that it truly does cloud my judgement. Without constructive feedback, I am at a loss as to whether I am actually doing the right thing. I worry that I offend people without realising it – how can one see that which they are blind to? I was mistaken – finding employment is not the problem: maintaining it is the real challenge.
All periods of uncertainty are terribly depressive and extremely distressful – yet these very challenges create the people we become through the choices we make. I chose to be happy and grateful all day, as much as I am capable. At night I can release the tension through music – I am not yet ready to settled enough to read for leisure but I do try to find ways to relax.
For now, I can regularly update this blog as a way of releasing the ideas that keep reoccurring in my mind. Specifically in relation to the idea that there is a purpose in life and the notion of destiny.