It has been four months since I completed the first draft of Mixed Face: An answer to the question: Am I Autistic? I have set it aside while I focus on University, therefore it is yet to be published. So why have I now decided to start a blog?
The essence of Mixed Face relates to how I have managed to survive with undiagnosed autism, in a world that is less than forgiving for those on the spectrum. It chronicles the long journey I have travelled to get that diagnosis. It demonstrates when I started to understand my experience. The end of Mixed Face was only the beginning.
To explain why I call it Mixed Face, I refer to a passage from the concluding chapter:
“Mixed Face describes how I identified with myself during the period of uncertainty between becoming aware of autism and receiving the official diagnosis. It explains my experience of autism, alongside my cultural confusions and the act I have had to perfect in order to fit in.
This is certainly not to be confused with being two-faced because each face you see me display is genuine and truthful; each face is a part of who I am and who I can be. […] I would describe it as only offering a glimpse into my mind – the part I do know how to express.
I have named this entire book after this term because it encompasses my entire history and creates a new foundation upon which I will build my future. I associate it with being mixed race – perceived as a balance between two worlds that are distinct. I must learn to balance my meltdowns, my obsessions, being overwhelmed and anxious with my ambitions and passion to succeed.
Confronting my internal issues and laying them out bare has been an incredible journey – I am not afraid to admit that I have made many mistakes in the past – and I do not blame autism; my autism explains why I act the way I do and it helps explain why I think the way I do. I take full responsibility for my life and my actions and deeply regret that I cannot suddenly perfect myself overnight.”
All any of us can ever do is our best – whether one has autism or not – the only difference is how we approach the obstacles. The largest obstacle I face right now is employment; finding it and maintaining it.
There comes a point when I must admit that I have done all I can do and that stressing about it is not productive because it causes more harm than good.
So, I have started a blog to chronicle the thoughts that I cannot express through academia. The ideas that I am being told that are ‘too big’ and are only for the ‘end of my career’ because only those who have years of academic experience can have a claim to knowledge.
How can I have a career if I am unable to even find a job?
It is simply really – I must create one.